It is define as self-doubting. Are you familiar with this feeling?
I grew up on a culture where most girls love taking photos of their faces with different angles and poses.. Showing how pretty they are.. They get compliments for it of course. It is like a competition; if you reveal some of your private parts, you will get more compliments. The lower, the better.
And of course, I also wanted to hear people saying how pretty I am and how lucky will my future boyfriend will be and so on.
The culture where I’ve grew up mostly criticised me for my appearance.. “You’re getting fat..”, “No man will like you if you are chubby..” and so on. It hurts a lot.. they do not know how painful it is to be criticised by someone. I was being criticised for how I look like which decreased the level of my confidence.
Till one day, I’ve thought of becoming like these girls who love taking photos because they get the compliments I’ve always wanted to hear.
Taking photos made me feel alright. It was so good to be complimented.. But it hurt so much coz I have to sacrifice my self just to please someone.

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I used to be the girl who loves to be complimented as “You’re pretty” or “You’re getting prettier, what are your secrets?” for posting up my close up photos; showing my face (on how pretty I am).
I used to be the girl who strives really hard to get these compliments and whenever I don’t get these compliments, I tend to think no one likes me.. no one thinks I am pretty… I am useless.. I am not good enough.. I will never be good looking like them.
Being complimented made me feel accepted and secured enough. However, it is not long-lasting.
I used to be the girl who wanted everything to be perfect to attract the crowd’s attention and able to be complimented.
I used to be the girl who wanted to be the only “coolest” girl ever existed.
So whenever I see someone pretty, I tend to be jealous wishing I am skinny.. wishing I am even more prettier than her.. and wishing I am even more smarter than her.
Disappointments chase after me and will not stop till I do not cry and think of hating myself more.
I used to be so mean because I was so jealous. I was mean to any girls that come close to my boyfriend. I was mean to someone if she is prettier than me. Thoughts keep on haunting me.. no one likes me.. no one thinks I am pretty… I am useless.. I am not good enough.. I will never be good looking like them.. she is prettier than you!..
Yes, I used to be one.

***
When I went to Wildlife summercamp, I went boldly. That time on my mind I said to myself, ‘Lord or whoever is listening to my thoughts, if you really exists you will give your promise to me like what you have promised to everyone that they will live an abundant life.’
Then I confessed with my heart that I cannot handle the pain of diffidence anymore. It is a torture.
I do not want to get hurt with the lack of self confident. I want to boost up my confidence again where I will be satisfied of who I really am, where I can be proud of my appearance but stay humble, and to live cheerfully.
So I went on the altar call during the Wildlife Summercamp 2009 to pray for my confidence to increase so I may live the happy life He has promised me.
A lot of people gathered around us (people who also went on the altar call) to pray for us. And that moment was a life changing for me. I realised how much He loves me so much and how much He values my life.
“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 (NIV)
He loves the world so much (the world is you and me) that He gave His one and only Son. Imagine, GOD loves me.. Imagine how big would that love from God would be?
He gave His one and only Son so I can live with Him in Heaven. He gave His one and only Son because He loves us so much and He wants us to be with Him eternally. So I have to value my life just like how He values His one and only Son.
Few weeks after the summercamp, I have read a Scripture saying that I do not need to compare myself to anyone.
“Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job will done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.” Galatians 6:4 (NLT)
This Scripture has given me an understanding why I do not need to look at someone else and compare myself to their abilities.
Then few days after, I opened my Bible randomly and read the first verse I see first. And the Scripture says about who are we really against at. Have you tried flipping pages on the Bible then just read any verses and then realise it is about you?
“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12 (NLT)
I realised that the thoughts (no one likes me.. no one thinks I am pretty… I am useless.. I am not good enough.. I will never be good looking like them) that are pulling myself down are only lies. And lies came from the devil. So whenever, I get a thought of saying “you don’t deserve that!”, I always reject it because I know God loves me so much.
God created the people around me and He also loves them so much. Therefore I have to love them too. Jesus died on the cross for them too! So why do we have to compare our self to others when God created them with His own image? Why do we have to compare our self to others when God loves them? And why do we have to compare our self when it will just pull us down?
“.. Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.” John 13:34 (NLT)
So think about this, if there are thoughts trying to ruin your source of happiness such as “you are not good enough!”, then they are all lies. Once you believe and understand God’s mighty power, your source of happiness is UNSHAKEABLE.
Then few days after, I have read a Scripture saying I do not need to copy what the world is doing, because the world shows the other way around. The media shows how pretty girls look like, how to live a happy life through having sex with someone whom you aren’t married with and so on which people tend to be brain washed saying, I want to be like that. Then again, disappointments chase and will not stop.
“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2 (NLT)
This Bible verse tells me I should not be like the people who love to get all the attention from the crowd to be complimented, but to let God transform me into a new person, in which He did. A person who is breath taking. Imagine yourself in a lifestyle when you talk to someone and that person you talk to will be inspired because of what happened to you and how God transforms you into a new better person.
“Don’t worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus…” “..fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me – everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:6-9
This Bible verse tells me to focus to God only so I may understand everything and how I will achieve that abundant life. Just pray to God. Confess and you will be healed like what happened to me. You don't have to come to all summercamps though, but it is part of it, just to get your life transformed.
See friend.. God is full on generous who is willing to fix your brokenness. God is full on loving you for who you are while people love you for how you look like. God is full on taking care of your needs. I will not be saying these things to you about my personal life if I didn’t experience it on my own. I will not be embarrassed of what I used to be because it helped me to come close to the Creator of all things. I am saying these to you so you may realise and understand the love God has for everyone. However, God’s love is so big and immeasurable.
If you want to find out more about the God who transformed my life, come to church with me :) I would love to come with you. You are always welcome to come to His house.
Happy blogging!
Cheers! :)
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